The Garden of Marriage (Part II)

A theological {and counter-cultural} vision for marriage in our modern world

Mar 11, 2025

man and woman holding each other's hands — Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Greetings Glory Carriers!

I was talking to a dear friend today and she was sharing with me some of the rather surprising ‘expectations’ she has detected rising in herself as of late towards her marriage, which has led to numerous frustrations and a sense of bewilderment over what marriage is really supposed to be about. She looked and me and with an exasperated look, threw her hands in the air and asked: “I mean, what is the purpose of marriage supposed to be anyway?”

To me, this was confirmation that the topic we are addressing today is so important. And it is a question many people, including devoted followers of Jesus (like my friend), are asking amidst a culture that has become muddled and confused around the value and purpose of marriage. As I wrote in The Garden of Marriage (Part I):

“Often, the root of conflict or dissatisfaction in marriage…is having expectations of one another that God never meant to be there. In other words, we drink the world’s kool-aid and that of the Hollywood movies, rather than God’s beautiful and dare I say ‘countercultural’ vision for two becoming one.”

In this article (that unexpectedly grew in length because there was so much to say), we will seek to answer that very question about the purpose of marriage - first, by looking at two of the predominant cultural narratives and then comparing it to the God-narrative that comes straight from Scripture. I love how the writer of Hebrews states:

“Where there is no vision [no revelation of God and His word], the people are unrestrained [out of control]; But happy and blessed is he who keeps the law [of God].” - Proverbs 29:18, AMP

I seem to say often here that we need to know where we are going before we can know how best to get there. So let us take some time to do just that. To lay the groundwork for a robust theological understanding God’s original divine design for marriage so we can know practically what is needed to get there. It will make all the difference. So…

What is the Purpose of Marriage Anyway?

If I asked you, what is marriage really about? What would you say? Is it about…

Finding a companion, soul mate or best friend?
Finding lasting happiness?
Fulfilling all your needs and desires?
Pursuing shared goals and dreams?
Romantic love and a spicy intimate life?
A legal contract?
Securing economic stability?
Ensuring the continuity of family lines?
Procreation?
Creating a stable foundation for building families?

At one time or another, marriage has been about all of these things.

Historically, the Purpose of Marriage has Varied and Adapted Over Time

Marriage has transitioned from a business transaction concerning property and family lineage, financial gain, social stature, and political alliances to a modern institution centered around romantic and emotional bonds. Many believe this transformation was spurred largely by the Enlightenment era, which championed ideals of individual rights and freedoms. An intriguing centerpiece of this transition is the notion that marriage should be based on the romantic feeling of love and physical attraction, rather than convenience or obligation—a rather revolutionary idea just a few centuries back.

This transition is backed by data. According to Pew Research Center, the percentage of marriages founded on ‘love’ has significantly increased over the past century, highlighting a pivot from utilitarian purposes of meeting social and economic needs to a purpose focused on the individual’s personal needs.

The Problem with this Model

The problem that often arises with this model of marriage being focused on the ‘individual’ with the satisfaction of personal needs as the goal of marriage, is that it creates easy escape routes if one isn’t getting what they want or expected out of the marriage. The narrative goes something like this:

“If your relationship is not satisfying your needs, you are married to the wrong person. You have a right to the satisfaction of your needs in a relationship, and if that does not happen, you should change partners and try again to get the same needs met with a different person.”1

In this narrative, marriage is about ‘you’ and if it does not provide you with satisfaction according to your standards, its dissolution is justifiable no matter the consequences for others, even the children.

Just take a look at many of our modern TV shows and movies and it won’t take you long to detect this narrative playing out on the screen - and in real life (as record high divorce rates indicate).

In a second, more recent narrative, commitment is to the needs of the ‘relationship’ rather than the needs of the self. It goes something like this,

“Your marriage is not about you. Your marriage is about itself; it is a third reality to which and for which you are responsible, and only by honoring that responsibility will you get your childhood and current needs met. When you make your relationship primary and your needs secondary, you produce the paradoxical effect of getting your needs met in ways they can never be if you make them primary."

Do you recognize either of these prominent cultural narratives around marriage in our modern age? Just go take a walk along the marriage book section of your local bookstore and you’ll probably see some parallels of what is being focused on: the self or the relationship or some blend of the two.

These narratives are not necessarily all bad, but for Jesus followers, we must always be asking ourselves: Are my own thoughts, ideas and expectations of my marriage representative of a biblical worldview? As I have looked into my own ideas and beliefs and expectations around marriage over the years, I am often surprised at how many are ‘imported’ from the culture around me rather than my faith (often without me even being aware of it).

So it is wise for us to begin where it all began.

What Does the Bible Actually Say About The Purpose of Marriage?

I think it is important to consider the full counsel of Scripture when asking what the purpose of marriage is, and there are various places we could go. It is not uncommon to skip straight to the ancient practical wisdom and advice from the Book of Proverbs. Or jump to gender roles of husband and wife as expounded upon by Paul in his letters to the early church (see Ephesians 5, for example).

But personally, I think the best and most helpful place to start is with the ‘pre-Fall’ perspective in Genesis because that reveals to us God’s original design for humanity - including His vision and purpose for marriage.

So we are going to zoom in on one short, yet hugely significant pre-Fall portion of the creation narrative. I want to preface this by saying we could create an entire series going into depth and detail over this passage. I am offering you a mere few of courses of what could be a five-course meal. But I think it will be more than enough to begin laying a strong theological foundation for marriage before diving into the practical aspects of it.

When we study God’s original design and intent for marriage, we will see that the purpose and goal of marriage is not primarily about the self (narrative one) or the marriage relationship (narrative two), but about God.

Let us flesh this out a bit more by looking at…

Genesis 2 (NIV)

7 Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being….

18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”...

21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Of course, there has been much written and preached on this passage over the centuries. And there have been ongoing debates on what exactly is meant by the specific phrasing and ordering of things. I won’t try to go into all of that here or ‘re-invent the wheel’ on the great exegetical work that is already out there.

Instead, I’d like to simply share some of my own personal revelations as I have studied this passage over the years. Seeking to understand God’s purpose and design for marriage has helped me to shift out of destructive cultural narratives and into a God-centered narrative. It has helped me to keep my eye on the right prize, and avoid getting hung up on false expectations about marriage that were never intended to be there.

In the original garden context, we see that marriage was designed with a three-fold purpose in mind:

Relieving aloneness
Reflecting God to one another
Ruling Over His creation together as His Representatives on the Earth

Let us look briefly at each one.

Eve as a gift to Adam

The first thing I want to point out here is God creates Eve from the substance of Adam - while Adam is in a deep sleep (v 21).2

Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer helps us understand what is going on here, saying…

“That Eve is derived from Adam is not out of pride but gratitude. Adam does not infer from it any claim for himself; instead Adam knows he is bound in a wholly new way to this Eve, who is derived from him.”( Bonheoffer, Creation and Fall)

So we learn first, that in creating the first married couple, the spouse is given as a pure gift, to relieve his aloneness. When you look at your partner, you can remind yourself, ‘he/she is God’s pure gift to me.’ Even when it doesn’t feel like it, we can reiterate God’s purpose of being intended as a gift to one another.

Eve as ‘ezer’ - God-like strength and aid provided to carry out God’s divine will on earth

Eve is referred to as a ‘helper suitable’ (v18) for Adam. What does this mean?

Over the centuries there is a lot of confusion regarding this word ‘helper’. What do we tend to think of? It is not uncommon to view this word ‘helper’ as a subordinate role to the man. As a weak and passive form of helping the stronger Adam.

Now we all must do our due diligence when it comes to interpreting these critical passages. I have studied the arguments for understanding ‘helper’ as inferior to Adam’s ‘leader’ role, but have personally (and respectfully) come to the conclusion that it is short-sided in light of the actual meaning of the word ‘helper’ in the original language.

The Hebrew word is ‘ezer’ and is used roughly 29 times elsewhere in Scripture to describe God's providential care and intervention on behalf of His people, highlighting His role as a reliable and powerful helper. The term conveys a sense of strength and vital support to complete a given task, mission, or battle, rather than a sense of subordination or inferiority.

Take a quick look at just a few of the references:

Exodus 18:4, Moses had said, “My father’s God was my helper (ezer); he saved me from the sword of Pharaoh.”
Deuteronomy 33:29, “Blessed are you, Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper (ezer) and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will tread on their heights.”
Psalm 20:2, “May He send you help (ezer) from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.”
Psalm 33:20, “We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help (ezer) and our shield.”

In ancient Hebrew culture, the concept of ‘ezer’ was significant in understanding relationships, both divine and human. This usage underscores the complementary partnership between man and woman, rather than implying a hierarchy.3

So Eve was created to relieve Adam of his aloneness by bring a vital strength and support to Adam in their joint-mandate to rule over God’s earth (see Gen. 1:26). Wow. That changes the connotation a bit doesn’t it?4

Before I move on, allow me to be clear that this is not a message rooted in feminism. It is a message laying out the biblical vision of what God’s original and beautiful design for man and woman in marriage was before the Fall - a partnership of complete mutuality, equality and shared responsibility around a common purpose of representing Him while ruling over His Earth. Full stop.

Feminism wouldn’t have ever emerged if this pre-Fall vision was carried out throughout the ages. God, the Bible or Christianity is not to blame for the degradation and devaluing of women. Sin is, as we will see later, which distorted the original beauty and brilliance of our Maker’s vision for marriage.

And now, to the second purpose for marriage…

The Purpose of Reflecting God to One Another

Eve as ‘kinegdo’ - the first ethical barrier or limit

Eve is referred to as a helper that is also ‘suitable’ (v18) for Adam. Often this is understood as Eve being a ‘compliment’ to Adam in terms of compatability, personality, talents, traits, and so on. While that sounds nice and it could be partially true, when we look again into the actual meaning of the Hebrew word, it provides some deeper insight.

The Hebrew word for suitable is ‘kinegdo.’ This word literally means: ‘like, opposite to.’ This means Eve is like Adam in essence or substance (taken from his rib), but standing opposite to him.

So imagine Eve standing opposite to Adam and what is she doing there? Eve, being made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), is meant to reflect the transcendent God to Adam and Adam, being made in God’s image, is meant to reflect his Creator to Eve.

What does this do?

Don’t miss this crucial bit: Not only does it keep God in view at the center of the relationship, but it calls forth the highest honoring of the other because they are made in His image. This has been referred to by Bonhoeffer and others as serving as an ‘ethical limit’ or ‘ethical barrier’ in the marriage relationship. No longer is Adam alone, but he now exists in relation to another5 who calls forth his service in love to the one who bears the image of his Maker. Wow, again.

Imagine for a moment what it can do to bring this purpose into your own marriage. Can you begin to see the unique divine attributes your partner is intended to reveal to you about your Maker every day? Let’s take my marriage as an example. Noah gets to image God to me in the utterly unique ways God enabled him to, carrying the mantle of provider, bringer of peace, faithfulness, stability and reliability. I get to image God to him in the utterly unique way God enabled me in my being a procreator of life, a strong yet compassionate presence and communicator of wisdom and Truth.

Try it. What aspects of God’s image can you see reflecting back at you in your spouse? You may have to pray for eyes to see and a heart to discern, but His image is there and will be unique and specially imprinted in each individual.6

Of course, this aspect of God’s vision for marriage is inspiring, but when met with life’s daily demands and our own glaring imperfections, we know it needs fleshing out how to take it from lofty vision to practical living (which will be coming later in the series).

What if My Spouse Doesn’t Believe?

I understand that there are challenges, pain points in every marriage. Though they vary in degree, each and every marriage has them. But each and every human being on this earth was also created in God’s image. So I believe it is possible to apply this principle and paradigm of the three-fold purpose to your marriage even if you are the only one doing it in faith.

When we are able to do this, in whatever small way, it calls forth the highest honoring of the other because we are focused - not on ‘my needs being met’ by the other - but by seeing God in the other. The irony is that as we keep the focus on God and honoring Him in the holy ‘other,’ the needs often do take care of themselves.

Even if your needs aren’t able to be met by your spouse, the shift in your focus can bring new perspective and peace that God is with you in your suffering and disappointment and will care for your needs in creative and unexpected ways as you seek to honor Him in your marriage. He is the God who sees (Genesis 16:13) and intimately knows and cares about what you are going through, my friend. It won’t hurt to take a small step and see what happens.

So far we’ve discovered how marriage from a (pre-Fall) biblical perspective is about relieving aloneness and reflecting the image of God to the other, but there is a third purpose.

The Purpose of Ruling Over the Earth - Together

In verse 24, it says the man leaves and is united to His wife and they become one flesh. This means they then turn from facing one another to standing alongside each other as one unit, facing outward and ready to go forth together into their joint-mandate to be fruitful and increase, fill, subdue, and rule over the earth (Gen. 1:28) as God’s representatives on earth.

The Hebrew word for ‘rule’ or to ‘rule over’ carries the ideas of managing, stewarding or governing. God did not give away ownership of the earth, but He did assign the responsibility of governing it to man and woman, husband and wife. Nowhere does it say, “God blessed Adam to rule over his earth - and Eve followed.” Or “God called Adam to lead the rulership initiative over His earth and Eve was there to support him in it.” The text simply says no such thing. It says,

“God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Scripture often interprets itself - when we let it.

We see that Adam and Eve, in their one-flesh union, were called to be God’s join-representatives, each bearing uniquely the image of God and enforcing His authority over creation. According to the dictionary, “representation” means,

To exhibit the image and counterpart of…
to speak and act with authority on the part of…
to be a substitute or agent for...

This is an astounding revelation: Adam and Eve, in their oneness and through the expression of their marital union are meant to represent the Godhead - bearing His image, speaking and acting with authority on His behalf, and together, serving as agents through which God carries out His Kingdom purposes on earth. Boom! That is the kind of marriage I want, don’t you?

What would it do to our marriages to remove the focus from self (narrative one) or the marriage relationship (narrative two) and to focus on the shared mission and mandate to faithfully carry out God’s will on earth as it is in Heaven? I think this God-centered focus, looking outward and forward to the join-work they can accomplish in His Kingdom together and for His glory, would shift the entire paradigm of marriage - for the better.

So God’s three-fold purpose for us in marriage involves the call to:

Relieve aloneness - providing companionship and vital help (ezer) in the God-given mandate to steward His earth
Reflect God to one another - providing an ethical limit, calling forth a high and holy honoring of one another
Rule Over His creation together - as His representatives on the Earth

This is a snapshot of the God-narrative of marriage that we see revealed in the garden, pre-Fall, which sits in stark contrast to the two cultural narratives we named earlier. Perhaps it would read something like this:

“My marriage partner has been given to me as a pure gift to alleviate my aloneness and as such I can look upon him/her with utter gratitude in my heart. He/she also was created to reflect the unique image of God to me, which sets in motion my highest honor and respect for who he/she was created to be and the unique contribution he/she makes to this partnership. In our oneness, we look to the Father to give us our joint-directives and assignments to carry forth His will as His representatives on earth as we seek to steward all we’ve been given faithfully and joyfully for His glory.”

If that is not beautiful (and radically counter-cultural), I don’t know what is. But it wasn’t to last…

When Sin Entered the Picture

But we know this harmonious marital arrangement doesn’t last long. In Genesis 3, we see how the Fall brings the destructive nature of sin into the relational picture. I don’t think I need to elaborate on the effects that has had on marriage (50% of marriages, even within the Church, are ending in divorce).

In essence, God’s design for marriage is marred by sin. Just a peek at the curse declared in Genesis 3 as a result of the Fall gives us some insight. God says to Eve,

“…Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

No longer are they jointly ruling over God’s creation, but one over the other, which distorts the perfect and harmonious picture of marriage in God’s original garden setting. They are then banished from the garden and this marks the beginning of the battle of the sexes. There is an inability of man and woman to relate rightly after the Fall leading to all kinds of dysfunctional and destructive dynamics like abuse… manipulation… devaluing... and dominating. These dynamics are contrary to God’s original vision and are those which Jesus later came to heal and redeem through His blood shed in death and resurrection.

Where does that leave us now?

Jesus, We Need Your Help!

Jesus came to restore, redeem and reconcile people back to God and I believe, back to God’s original divine design in every area of life. We now have a power source that is the Holy Spirit to help us in doing that.

The next article in this series will address practically how we can begin the work of a gardner, cultivating a marriage that moves away from the cultural narratives that can poison the soil of a healthy relationship and towards the God-narrative that will make for a rich growth environment rooted in God’s original three-fold purpose. So stay tuned!

Until then, God bless you and keep you as you seek to strengthen your marriage - or any significant relationship - this Lenten Season. It won’t be easy, but it is so worth it.

For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,

Ali

Thanks for reading Homes of Glory! This post is public so feel free to share it.

If you were asked by your child, “Why did God create marriage?” What would you say (before reading this article, of course!)?
What was your reaction to the two predominant cultural narratives regarding the purpose of marriage? What other false messages have you believed about the purpose and expectations of marriage?
Which of the three-fold purposes of marriage revealed in Genesis 2:7,18-25 surprised or challenged you the most and why? Which aspect did you find the most beautiful or helpful?
What difference would it make in your own marriage if you started to live out your marriage by keeping the God-narrative in mind? What practical changes would you see? What are some challenges you might face?
Thank God for His beautiful design for marriage (despite the pain points you may be experiencing). And ask for further revelation and insight so that you may be set on a path of healing and growth.

Photo of the Week

I attended our annual Ash Wednesday service at our church, kicking off the Lenten Season

We celebrated our sweet second daughter Cora’s Birthday on Match 7

Book of the Week

I don’t love the title of this book, but it one of the best articulations of a woman’s strengthening role as *ezer* and how to harness it for the good of a God-centered marriage. Biblically solid and practically relatable in my humble opinion.

Quote of the Week

“We need clear direction and reinforcement from each other, and from the Word of God if we are going to be distinctive examples of what God intends families to be. We need help to stay married, and encouragement to build Christ-centered families. God expects it and we will answer to our casual, even cavalier treatment of God‘s order if we ignore him. His teaching and our responsibility to each other are meant to be high priorities. “ Roger C. Palms, Living Under the Smile of God

Homes of Glory