The Healing Power of Listening
A simple practice that will bless and transform the relationships in your home - and beyond
Greetings Glory Carriers!
Are you finally getting into the groove of this New Year? We are slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things. I’ve been particularly energized by my women’s Life Group starting back up in my home (we are reading The Good and Beautiful Life by James Bryan Smith), coaching sessions with new clients starting the Soaring and The Significant Woman programs I run through my home-based coaching practice and watching my kids start back at our community soccer club. And the cherry on top is having my dad and step-mom visiting all the way from the United States.
All good things!
But even so, I notice that some days, I have some ‘residue’ that lingers like an unwelcome guest in my heart and mind. Residue from this and that conversation I had. From that one comment made. From that look the friend gave me across the room. From the text message I received and could not interpret the tone. From the inadequacy I felt during that coaching session. From the irritability I gave into with my children in a moment of exhaustion. From the approval I still seek from my father (even as a 41-years-old!).
Residue. Do you have it too? Most days, if you pay attention to what’s going on inside of you, you will probably detect some.
A lot of times we just bury it and hope it will go away. And a lot of it does when we start again the next day.
But a lot of it doesn’t. Then it gets stuffed. Ignored. Only to flare up in unproductive (or even destructive) ways later on down the line. There is a saying that goes,
“Emotions don’t die, they just get buried alive.”
Yikes.
What if there was a way to deal with the ‘residue’ of each day in a very simple way?
The Healing Power of Listening
Earlier last year, my husband and I came across a little book called Peace in the Last Third of Life: A Handbook of Hope for Boomers, written by a retired Anglican priest who gives keen insight and wisdom into the ‘boomer’ generation. Not only did we gain understanding for our parent’s stage of life, which was very helpful, but we also learned (once again) about the importance and power of listening well.
There is tremendous power in the simple act of listening and being listened to. Sadly - and you’ll probably confirm this with your own experience - there seem to be very few good listeners in our daily interactions. Most conversations are simply people taking turns talking. Or multi-tasking while the other person is talking. Or even worse, shutting the other person down when they are talking.
However, when given five or ten or fifteen minutes of dedicated time - and a partner who is willing to participate - almost anyone can follow a few simple guidelines to learn to truly listen, and listen well.
Dedicated Listening in Our Relationships
We began to apply this simple practice of listening in our marriage this past year and though we have been married 11 years, it has been a game changer. It has helped us deal with our daily ‘residue’ (rather than stewing internally and holding it in) and also feel more connected to each other in the process.
You too can practice this exercise with anyone under your roof or beyond it, and discover the healing power of listening.
Are you ready to begin?
Step 1
Find a quiet spot in the house, or wherever you are, and decide who is going to share first and who is going to listen first.
Step 2
Then, the person who is sharing is to choose a topic to discuss that touches on:
Something that has concerned you recently. Or…
Something about which you need to sort through your feelings.
Step 3
Then set a timer for the allotted time - usually 5, 10 or 15 minutes per person - and the person sharing can say as much or as little as they choose in the time allotted.
The listener gives full attention to the sharer, but does not say anything. You can nod, say ‘mmm’, or if necessary, ‘would you like to say more?’ This is a discipline to not add to or cut into what the other person is sharing. Simply listen!
Step 4
When the sharer has finished, the speaker asks the following questions in turn:
What is the most significant thing about what you just shared? (Pause and let the person answer)
Is there anything you would like to do or act on from what you have just shared? (Pause and let the person answer)
Step 5
After each reply, the Listener repeats back what the sharer has said, using the person’s words, but without interpretation. In other words, you are not putting a value judgement on what the other person has shared - commenting on whether it is right or wrong, brilliant or silly. You are also not giving solutions. You are there to serve as a witness and receiver of their inner world as they process and share from the recesses of their own heart and soul.
Step 6
After the first person has used his/her allotted time, and answered the questions, the roles are reversed. Repeat steps 2-5!
Try and See
We are always amazed how much we are able to say and how deep we are able to go in that short amount of time. Somehow it feels refreshing, clarifying and even healing to be able to share knowing the person is just there to listen. Full stop.
Why don’t you try it and see for yourself?
Principles for Listening Well
Listening well is something that can be practiced and honed over time in the different relationships in our lives. Here are a few principles1 that will help you on your way to listening well, which when followed, almost always enable genuine connection, care and yes, even healing to take place.
Look the speaker in the eye and give him/her your full attention. Put the phones and devices away!
No interrupting, ever. Most people listen with the intent to reply, which is not really listening at all.
No advice giving, in spite of how much insight you think you have. In asking the above questions, you show that you trust the person to give herself/himself advice which she is infinitely more likely to follow than your wisest, most loving intention. Your advice will almost always set up a rebellious reaction, and often falls into the category of your ‘needing to help’, when that is not being solicited.
Do not tell your own story in response to theirs. You may think you are expressing empathy, but you are simply redirecting the conversation back to yourself, and, in effect, silencing the Speaker.
Try to resist asking informational questions. They have nothing to do with what the Speaker is trying to say, and will cause the conversation to stay at the surface when your goal is to enable emotional depth so that healing can take place.
Do not minimize or spiritualize. We have a tendency to minimize other’s problems and feelings by saying things like, “Well, it could be worse.” Or we spiritualize someone’s struggles by saying, “I am sure God is allowing this for a reason that will benefit you in the end.” While often well-intentioned, these tendencies can communicate, “I do not take your pain seriously.” Or, more likely, the Speaker’s pain is making you (the Listener) anxious. Or, perhaps you hear an inner voice about ‘witnessing’ and feel you need to defend God. These responses are about the Listener, not the Speaker.
Develop a comfort level with silence. Only if it becomes awkward for the Speaker, you might say, “Would you like to say more about that?”
What the Speaker says is confidential, always.
Good listening is a vital starting point for connection and healing in every relationship. To quote the letter from James,
‘Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger’ (James 1:19).
Progress, Not Perfection
Friends, I don’t know about you, but when I read this verse I realize I still have a long way to go in being the kind of listener I want to be. I often fall short and fail. Or I just forget. But the good news is we can try again. And again. And again. We are after progress, not perfection. Hallelujah.
Relationships are not easy. They are often complicated, messy and dysfunctional. But like a garden, with a great deal of attention, nurture and care, they can grow and become something more meaningful and satisfying than we ever imagined. And learning to listen well - be it to our spouse, or a child, parent, sibling, colleague or neighbor - is a vital part of that. I can think of few things that will bring greater healing and health to your heart and home.
Start today. Or, start again today (see Lamentations 3:22-23). It will make all the difference.
For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
P.S. Don’t forget: we are in this together!
Fun Family Photo of the Week
Rhythm of the Week
How about you? What is your rhythm of worship and what difference does it make in your life and home? If you don’t have a weekly rhythm of worship, how can you take a step today to create one?
Quote of the Week
“A strong Christian marriage has an impact which will be felt in generations to come. We offer a heritage to our children in our faithfulness to our spouse; there is a legacy and love that we give them. Their home, the framework in which they try their wings, needs a commitment that is not shifting. They need a solid footing. They have to have models and security in the home to achieve emotional strength and spiritual depth. When they have it their own security makes them healthy and able to give them the same to the next generation.… It is the home that children learn to pray. It is the home that they learn what love is, how to give it and how to receive it. It is through the exchange of love between a father and a mother that children themselves understand how to be a father and a mother. They learn marriage by seeing it in the workshop of the home. And experiencing human love, they have a basis for accepting God‘s love.” - Roger C. Palms, Living Under the Smile of God, Page 118
Verse of the Week
John 11:41-42, “Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. “I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.”
Prayer for the Week
Dear God, help us to become good listeners, as You are. You always listen to us and hear us, so help us to do the same in the relationships you’ve placed in our lives. Help us to be aware of where we fall short in our habits and hurtful ways, so that we can be open to your help, guidance and power of your Holy Spirit. We want to learn to listen well so we can love well and in turn serve as reflectors of Your love. May Your loving presence to be felt and known as we learn to listen to the loved ones in our lives. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
These were adapted from Peace in the Last Third of Life by Paul F. M. Zahl