The Garden of Marriage (Part VI)
Cultivating the heart attitude of HUMILITY for marital growth and enrichment through the HABIT of saying 'I'm sorry'
Greetings Glory Carriers!
In the sermon at my church this Sunday, which was an excellent exposition on the life of Jacob and Esau (see Genesis 25), one line our pastor said that stuck out to me was this:
“All families are dysfunctional to some extent.”
I was thinking how the same statement could be made of marriage: All marriages are dysfunctional to some extent.
Yes, even marriages rooted and centered in Christ. Even marriages serving in ministry. Why? Because each person brings into the covenant relationship their own ‘knapsack’ of mixed baggage:
What we saw modeled growing up as it pertains to relationships - for better or worse
Rejection and hurt from past relationships and life experiences
Learned ways of dealing with conflict - retreating, running, avoiding, shutting down, yelling, etc. - for better or worse
Unaddressed grief and pain from losses and disappointments in life
Insecurities
Underdeveloped parts of our personality and character (a.k.a immaturity)
Misplaced desires, beliefs and values about oneself, God and the world
Proneness to addictions and indulgences
Areas of sin - known and unknown
What would you add?
Is it any surprise that our marriages can result in anything less than dysfunction junction?
Normalizing Some Level of Dysfunction in Marriage
When I look at my own marriage, I continue to shock myself with fresh moments of immaturity, self-defensiveness, self-protection, short-fused anger and impatience and other opposite-of-the-fruit-of-the-Spirit reactions that can suddenly flare up towards my husband and family members, as we seek to do life together under one roof. We are aiming to be a ‘Home of Glory,’ but half the time I feel like we could hang a sign that reads:
“Welcome to dysfunction junction!”
Can you relate?
I think it is important to acknowledge this fact from time to time lest anyone is looking over at anyone else and thinking, “They have a perfect marriage!”
Sure, some do have it harder than others. There is no question there. But no matter whether you’ve been married 2 years, 20 years or 40 years, none of us ever ‘arrive’ fully and completely, I don’t think, along this marriage road - do they?
So if you’re feeling the discomfort and discouragement of dysfunction junction in your own home and marriage right now, know you’re not alone! We’ve all got our blend. As my dear mom, Becky, used to say (before she left this earth), “It [marriage] is not for the faint of heart.”
Marriage, indeed is not for the faint of heart, but it is for the teachable heart, willing to learn and grow as our Lord Jesus instructs us to do, by His Spirit, who promises to lead us and guide us into all Truth (see John 16:13). Hallelujah.
So let us press on as we continue cultivating the heart attitude of HUMILITY, shall we? This week we will be looking at a second practical HABIT: that of saying, ‘I’m sorry.’
Folks, this is one of my favorites and one of the most simple yet powerful practices (in my opinion and experience in my own marriage) that can help keep our garden soil free of weeds.
Are you ready?
Giving Up Our Right to Be Right
Learning to walk in humility like Jesus, is learning to depend absolutely on God, which includes giving up our right to be right all the time. It is one thing to be able to turn to God in humble repentance admitting when we are wrong (as discussed in Part IV); it is another thing completely to turn to our spouse to admit when we have wronged them. Gulp.
But as the late Pastor Tim Keller articulates so well, that is one of the main points of marriage, in that it,
“ ...exposes the sinfulness in our hearts, showing you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention to it." – Tim Keller
Often, it is easier not to pay attention to it. To ignore it, stuff it, or move passed ‘it’ as if nothing happened. And then hope the icy wall of tension, bitterness and resentment that ‘it’ created between you and your spouse will eventually melt…with time.
Humility (or Lack Thereof) is the Root of All Other Attributes
But that is not the way of the humble heart we are called to cultivate and emulate from our Lord, remember (review Matthew 11:29)? And not admitting and acknowledging when we fail and mess up, that will surely not create the kind of healthy soil needed for growth and flourishing in a marriage. It is the exact opposite of a heart attitude of humility, which the late author Andrew Murray calls the ‘root’ of all other good qualities,
“Humility is the only soil in which the graces take root; the lack of humility is the reasonable explanation for every defect and failure in the Christian life. Humility is not so much a blessing or attribute along with others; it is the root of all. It alone takes the right attitude before God, and allows Him to sanctify.” (Andrew Murray, Humility: The Beauty of Holiness)
Wow. If that is true then this calls us to do the hard and painful (yet so worth it) work of partnering with God and His Spirit in cultivating the habit of admitting when we are wrong, when we mess up, when we fall short. Yes, when we (even inadvertently) hurt, offend or disappoint our spouse.
How?
Eeking Out Two Tiny Words
By eating a big bite of humble pie. That is, by humbling ourselves and eeking out those two simple words:
“I’m Sorry.”
When was the last time you sincerely said those two little words to the person you love? Not the “I’m sorry…BUT…” combo that lets you get in your explanation on the back-end of it (which admittedly was my classic go-to tendency for years). But the simple, pure, swallow your pride two-word version,
“I’m sorry.”
Some of us might recall a very recent incident. Perhaps you’re well versed in this habit of saying these words. But for others, it may be sur to discover that these words are rare or even totally absent from the vocabulary of your marriage.
There is absolutely no shame here or condemnation for those who haven’t yet formed this vital habit. It is never too late to learn. With the power of the Holy Spirit in us (the same power that raised Jesus from the dead!) we can be like dogs who learn new tricks!
I Am Sorry For…
It helps when we can be as specific as we can, saying statements that begin with, “I am sorry for...’:
I am sorry for… being late to dinner.
I am sorry for… my harsh words and tone the other night.
I am sorry for… cutting you down in front of the children.
I am sorry for… overworking this week and not spending time with you or the family.
This is not the easy way. Or the comfortable way. Or the ‘agree to disagree’ kind of meet in the middle way. It is the truly difficult, gut-wrenching, heart-humbling, teeth-gritting, pride-swallowing, self-interest-killing way. BUT. Thankfully, there is a ‘but’ here that is both appropriate and rewarding. These two words,
“I’m sorry…”
When used in generous amounts, in the most heated moments, against your own strong prideful will… well…
They work.
Almost magically, it seems. And by that I mean they are laced with the amazing grace of God’s miraculous power to:
Knock down walls of pride.
Melt down the icy walls of resentment.
Lift the weight of tension.
Smooth the rough edges of cruelty.
Heal the wounds of hurt.
Burst through the barriers of self-preservation.
And pave the way for fresh encounters with your spouse or loved one once again.
It really is the most mysterious phenomenon. But. It. Works. This is a habit that will lead your heart in the way of humility. The way of our Lord Jesus.
I can’t tell you how many times in my twelve years of marriage to Noah these words have saved us from spiraling into days of funk and fury. Up until now! And I can’t tell you how many times I wish I would have just had the courage, the humility, the wisdom to eek out these two tiny words much sooner than I did.
We’re all learning. We’re all growing. We’re all on our own journey towards wholeness and holiness. But by golly these two little words can make your garden of marriage heal and thrive in ways you’d never expect.
What About Forgiveness?
It is one thing to apologize for the things that arise amidst the demands and pressures of daily life - the short fuse, the distracted mind, the forgetful act. But what about the major transgressions that can cause serious friction and fracture to a marriage relationship - an affair, addictions to a substance or pornograpahy, patterns of dishonesty or deceit, neglect or harsh words you can’t take back? In these situations, there is no simple or simplistic solution. But Jesus does command his followers to forgive those who sin against us,
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you,not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! (Matthew 18:22)
Forgiveness is a choice, but it can also be a process that involves God’s grace and support in the healing process. If you would like a simple yet powerful tool that can help begin that process, please email me directly at: ali@alikennedy.com and I would be happy to send you a PDF.
It may only be a first step, or one step among many in more complex cases, but a step towards healing is better than no step at all.
Ongoing Work of Keeping the Weeds Out
The beautiful thing is that when we practice these pride-squelching habits, they help keep the weeds out. Weeds that choke the good nutrients the soil of our gardens need to grow and flourish. Why don’t you begin cultivating the habits of ‘bending the knee’ and ‘saying I’m sorry’ now and see for yourself.
For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
Fun Family Photo of the Week
Book of the Week
Quote of the Week
“Jesus came to bring humility back to earth, to make us sharers in it, and by it, to save us. In heaven, He humbled Himself to become man. The humility we see in Him possessed Him in heaven; it brought Him, and He brought it, from there. Here on earth, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death (Phil 2:8)...His humility is our salvation. His salvation is our humility.” - Andrew Murray, Humility: The Beauty of Holiness