The Garden of Marriage (Part V)
Cultivating the vital heart attitude of HUMILITY for marital growth and enrichment through the HABIT of 'Bending the Knee'
Greetings Glory Carriers!
I have appreciated hearing from some of you this past week who have expressed that you’ve experienced a ‘shift’ from focusing on the externals of your spouse’s behavior to the internals of your own heart and how that has brought a sense of freedom, lightness and new hope for your marriage. Praise God!
In last week’s article, we discussed the necessary and often unpleasant (at the time) ‘dirty work’ of preparing the soil of our hearts for growth, which entails giving God full access to our hearts and practicing rapid repentance when the Spirit reveals something that needs removing.
This is the vital and ongoing work of identifying and removing the ‘rocks’ and ‘sticks’ that prevent the soil from being able to sprout the rich plant life meant to grow there. If we neglect the work of regularly removing the rocks and sticks of sinful thoughts and attitudes from our hearts through repentance, our hearts will become infested with gnarly weeds and it will hinder our ability to love our spouses - and everyone around us - in the fulness of the way God intended.
Adding Nutrient-Rich Soil
In this article, we are moving onto another vital task in gardening: adding in organic nutrient-rich soil to enhance the health of the soil. This goes beyond just removing the harmful things, but it involves adding the helpful and healthy things that will improve the chances of creating an environment for growth and enrichment in the marriage.
In the coming weeks we are going to learn how to cultivate three heart attitudes that will serve as ‘nutrient-rich soil’, that when added to the garden of our own hearts, will create an environment conducive to growth, blossoming and blooming in beautiful and even unexpected ways. They are:
The Heart Attitude of… Humility.
The Heart Attitude of… Vulnerability.
The Heart Attitude of… Oneness.
Are you ready to start seeing the growth and change you long for in your garden of marriage? Let us continue to open our hearts to the work of our Master Gardener.
Cultivating Heart Attitude #1: Humility
Jesus’ words never fail to pierce my heart every time I read or hear them, especially when He speaks these words of life to His weary followers,
“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29)
The first invitation here is to be a learner. Not one who knows it all or one set in his or her ways, but one who is willing to learn from the ways and attitudes of another. Not just any other, but from our Lord Jesus Christ specifically, who “…radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God” (see Hebrews 1:3).
Being a learner, one with a teachable spirit, lends itself to the first heart attitude Jesus points us towards and encourages us to cultivate: humility. Jesus did not say, “learn from me, for I am strong, ambitious, powerful and intelligent…”. He says “learn from me, for I am gentle and humble…in heart.”
There is the ‘heart’ word again. Our Lord, in His very might and power (see Rev. 4:8, 19:6; Zeph. 3:17; Isa. 9:6), is a gentle and humble God - and is calling us to learn to take on His ways - which often run counter to the ways of the world.
What is Biblical Humility?
The Greek word for humble in our key passage is,
tapeinós – (figuratively) inner lowliness describing the person who depends on the Lord rather than self; being God-reliant rather than self-reliant.
Jesus is the epitome of being God-reliant. As God Himself, He was also fully human and modeled for us what it meant to rely on His Father in Heaven for everything. Just one example is after Jesus healed the invalid man:
Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” - John 5:19
Jesus acknowledges His Father for everything. He goes to His Father for everything (Mark 1:35). He relies on His Father for everything (Matthew 14:19b).
Oozing out of this scene and the very heart of our Lord, is an attitude of humility. And it is one we can and must cultivate within the context of our marriage. It is learning to be radically God-reliant rather than self-reliant. As the late author Andrew Murray said, this is the root of everything else:
“Humility, the place of entire dependence on God, is the first duty of the creature and the root of every good quality.” - Andrew Murray, Humility: The Beauty of Holiness
When was the last time you:
Acknowledged God for the good you experience in your marriage?
Asked Him for help in your marriage?
Asked what He is doing in your marriage relationship?
Asked for His strategy and plan for your marriage?
Often times, we are just going through life on our own strength and power, not to mentioned the busyness and all the distractions, and we are not involving God much at all. Jesus says, “Come, yoke to me and learn from me - for I am gentle and humble in heart.”
This sounds good right? We often admire those who are naturally humble and perhaps even want to think of ourselves as humble (Is it just me? hehe). And we’d like to be able to love our spouses with the gentleness and humility of Jesus.
But how?
How do we move the dial to actually change our heart attitudes when the foes of pride, stubbornness and self-sufficiency rear their ugly heads amidst the pressures, demands and busyness of daily life in this modern world? Honestly, this has been a very challenging area for me and one in which I am very much still growing.
Knowledge is Not Enough
I believe author Justin Whitmel Earley gives us an insightful tip of where to start. He argues that in order to see any heart change, we must begin to change our habits:
“If our hearts always followed our heads, we would not need to practice the things we learn. We’d just learn about it and the rest would follow. But that’s not how humans work, which is why the biblical understanding of sanctification is not just about education and learning, but about formation and practice as well.” – Justin Whitmel Earley, Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms
Formation and practice. Put another way: practices that form our hearts and minds in the ways of Christ, the One who leads us in the way and the truth and the life (John 14:6). This is where we’ve got to get really practical. Our thoughts don’t lead our hearts - our actions do.
As a coach I know this first hand as I seek to help people move forward in their lives. Someone can have all the awareness in the world. All the good ideas in the world. But if there is no action, there will be little change, little progress, little forward movement. That’s just a fact. And it separates the dreamers from the doers.
Habits that Lead Our Hearts
So for each heart attitude, it is not enough to simply know and learn about it. We must also find ways to practice it. To literally in-habit it. So we are going to consider corresponding habits that can lead our hearts in the way they should go. Does that make sense? The flow looks something like this:
Habits—>Heart attitudes—>Behaviors—>Potential Blessing in life and relationships
There are many habits we could establish in forming our hearts towards humility. This week, we will focus on just one habit, followed by one habit next week, which over time will lead our hearts in developing an attitude of humility that ultimately will create the kind of healthy soil needed for growth in our marriages.
The Habit of ‘Bending the Knee’
This is a habit that involves a powerful posture that communicates the utmost humility. Do this daily or even weekly, and your heart will begin to cultivate a Christ-like attitude of God-dependent humility. Here are simple directions to get started:
Step One: Find a quiet and private space. Remember how Jesus modeled this, often rising ‘very early in the morning while it was still dark’ going off to ‘a solitary place’ where He prayed to His Father (Mark 1:35). He also encouraged His disciples with these words, “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you” (Matthew 6:6).
Step Two: Literally ‘bend the knee’ and get low to the ground. Kneeling or laying face to the ground is a posture that communicates a humble spirit as you pray to God your Father.
Step Three: Imagine you are kneeling before God’s throne (see Hebrews 4:16). Talk to Him and share your heart with Him as you pray, expressing your utter dependence on Him.
Step Four: Pray in your own words, asking for help in your marriage. You may use this prayer to get you started:
God, I cannot do this on my own. I can do nothing myself by way of loving my spouse as you have intended and called me to. I need your help! Forgive me for being self-reliant when it comes to my marriage. I turn from that prideful attitude now and I ask for the help and grace and strength to cultivate this attitude in my heart, one of humility, so that I may rely on You in every area of my life, as Jesus did. Today marks a new beginning, where I am guided by You and your Holy Spirit in my words, actions and reactions. Thank you that you are faithful and you will do it. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Bob Sorge in his book, Secrets of the Secret Place says it is in fact the ‘secret place’ of prayer and communion with God that cultivates the attitude of humility in our hearts:
“The secret place is where we acknowledge our spiritual bankruptcy, our need for mercy, and our dependence on Him for everything.”
Watch and experience how this simple yet powerful practice of getting alone with God, and low to the ground in prayer, can cultivate a genuine heart attitude of humility, which will overflow into the garden of your marriage in tangible ways.
For His Glory From My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
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Quote of the Week
“Humility is simply the sense of entire nothingness, which comes when we see how truly God is all, and in which we make way for God to be all. When the creature realizes that this is true goodness, and consents to be the vessel in which the life and the glory of God are to work and exhibit themselves, he sees that the humility is simply acknowledging the truth of his position as the creature, and yielding to God His rightful place.” - Andrew Murray, Humility: The Beauty of Holiness