How I Found Freedom from Alcohol (Again)
Five steps to freedom that worked for me in an area I no longer felt free
Greetings Glory Carriers!
Last month marked an unexpected milestone for me. On January 8, I hit one-year of living alcohol-free. I didn’t set out to be here, and I certainly never set out to write on this topic. But if I can’t share about my journey with openness and honesty, then what are we really doing here?
As Eugene Peterson writes, the faith journey is, “A long obedience in the same direction.” It entails ups, downs, twists and turns and they are all - the good, the bad and the ugly, the hills and valleys, victories and failures - part and parcel of what it means to grow and mature as disciples of Jesus Christ. In fact, it is the glorious and subversive way of God that He often uses our deepest valley seasons, to grow, change, mold and transform us ever more. It is not always an easy road, but a worthwhile one.
I am sure many of you reading this can relate.
So today, though it feels a bit scary and risky to do so, I am going to share with you one of the ‘twists and turns’ my journey unexpectedly took this past year. Perhaps you could call it a ‘snag’ I hit along my road, tripping me up for a good while, but traveling through it has brought me to a place of greater joy, clarity and freedom than I ever imagined.
As the great spiritual writer Henri Nouwen wrote in his profound book, The Wounded Healer, our greatest points of pain and perplexity can turn into our greatest points of ministry.
So…I hope and pray that as I share about a stretch in my own ‘wounded’ journey, it may encourage you and strengthen you in yours. And remind us all that in the Body of Christ, when we create a culture of safety to open up about our true struggles, freedom is waiting for us on the other side.
Settle in, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy the read.
My Dreamy 40th Birthday Celebration & Its Unexpected Twist
In the summer of 2023, my 40th Birthday celebration, I received the great gift of flying to California to meet up with two of my dearest and long-time soul friends for a beach weekend. Two of us had babes attached and in tow (!), but it was a set apart weekend to spend time together talking, connecting, reflecting and dreaming while staying at my friend’s family beach house.
It was meant to be all about the fun and the festive, and though it was, I simultaneously sensed that familiar Holy Spirit ‘nudge’ encouraging me to open up about the inner struggle around alcohol I had been having for the previous couple of years.
The Silencing Power of Shame
At that time it felt so hard and scary (and impossible!) to open up to anyone about my complicated relationship with alcohol because deep down I felt it was something I shouldn’t be struggling with. After all, I had been a committed Christian for over 15 years. I was a leader in ministry. And married to a pastor for Heaven’s sake! I felt so silly and ashamed that I was struggling with something as trivial seeming as this. So the shame kept me silent and for a long while I couldn’t bear telling a soul.
Not Knowing How to Define My Struggle
What also kept me from opening up about my struggle sooner was not knowing whether I had a problem or not. My case was a little tricky to diagnose because getting drunk wasn’t my issue. When I became a committed Christian at the age of 23, I left the party lifestyle behind - after many years of abusing alcohol in high school and college. That was the first time around of experiencing freedom from alcohol. To this day, I am thankful and certainly don’t miss the hangovers.
But several years later, I opened the door ever so slowly and gradually back up to drinking as a way to relax, relieve stress and have fun. Even so, could I really say I had a problem? From the outside looking in, nothing seemed to be apparently off or wrong with my drinking habits. I was living well within biblical guidelines of moderation.
Though I couldn’t quite label my struggle as one of an alcoholic or addict (though I have learned since how highly addictive alcohol is and probably played a big part in keeping me stuck), this is the one thing I did know: alcohol was taking up more mental and emotional head and heart space (internally) than I ever intended it to. I was living with a pretty constant feeling of shame, guilt and inner turmoil around my drinking. I also felt caught in an endless inner wrestling match between the voices of my conscience (the Holy Spirit of Truth) and the voices of opposition trying to convince me nothing was worth fretting about. On any given day, they could sound like:
You’re not getting drunk, Ali. You’re not technically, biblically speaking, doing anything wrong.
Relax, Ali, a couple drinks is nothing to worry about!
You deserve to relax and relieve your stress. Life with four kids is hard! Give yourself a break!
You may be in ministry, but you are allowed to be human like everyone else, you know.
Some might feel like these voices are nothing to write home about, but to me, they felt like unwelcome houseguests. No one accept me would have known it, but I found myself constantly battling thoughts around wanting to drink and not wanting to drink all at the same time. I also spent a lot of mental energy making ‘rules’ for myself so I wouldn’t overindulge and over do it.
These voices became my weekly wrestling opponents as I batted them around in my heart, mind and soul. I felt clouded, confused and chaotic on the inside.
It turns out, alcohol slowly but surely weaseled its way back into a more prominent place in my life than I ever intended it to. I started to love it - and want it - a little too much. As St. Augustine famously said,
“The essence of sin is disordered love.”
Disordered love means that we can (often without knowing it) begin to love less-important things more, and more-important things less than we ought to, and this wrong prioritization leads to unhappiness and disorder in our lives.
Boom. That was it. For me, this was the essence of my struggle: my desires, cravings and ‘loves’ - in this season around alcohol - over time, had become disordered. Somewhere along the lines of the daily stresses of life and raising kids, my desires and cravings became out of whack and were simply needing some…re-ordering…re-setting…and re-directing to the One who created them.
Realizing I Was No Longer Living in the Freedom Jesus Promised
It is hard to explain what it felt like at this point. Trapped? Entangled in the constant inner turmoil? Held captive by all the chatter and competing voices making it impossible to sift through the matter on my own? Imprisoned by my desire to drink and not drink all at the same time? Enslaved by constant regulating?
I always had lived by the motto: “Everything in moderation.” But what happens when in the constant striving for moderation it actually ceases to become moderate at all?
Whatever it was I was feeling, I knew it was the very opposite of what Jesus promised and the very thing for which he died: our freedom from sin and death (Romans 8:2).
Scripture is clear that Jesus came to set the captives and prisoners (that’s us) free:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,…He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free…” (Luke 4:18)
Twice there he speaks of his role and very purpose in coming to earth to live, die and resurrect was to set us free from earthly bondage of sin that so easily entangles us.
My struggle was alcohol in this season, but it could be any number of things that keep us bound and unable to get free from the habit of doing it, things like:
Food
Pornography
Outbursts of anger
Online shopping
Gambling
Binge watching
Lying
Gossiping
Or any number of things that take up more time, heart and head space than we ever intended. But Paul reminds us that being bound to anything is not aligned with our inheritance as believers:
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Corinthians 2:17)
The word freedom in Greek is eleutheria (eh-loo-ther-EE-ah) which means: freedom, liberty, especially a state of freedom from slavery.
In the New Testament, "eleutheria" primarily denotes the state of being free, particularly in a spiritual or moral sense. It is often used to describe the freedom that believers have in Christ, which liberates them from the bondage of sin.
What this freedom in Christ should feel like according to one commentator is,
“…liberty to do or to omit things having no relation to salvation.”
And for another, it is described as,
“…freedom from the dominion of corrupt desires, so that we do by the free impulse of the soul what the will of God requires.”
These descriptions helped me to realize I was no longer living in the freedom Jesus promised in this area of my life. I certainly didn’t feel like I could ‘omit’ this habit and reliance upon this substance even if I wanted to. I certainly didn’t feel like my soul was free from the corrupt aspect of my desires so I could do by the ‘free impulse’ of my soul what the will of God required. Gulp.
This ‘thing’ had a powerful grip over my heart, mind and soul - not to mention a muzzle over my mouth - and this became my motivation for change. I longed to find (once again) the freedom Jesus promised.
How about you? Is there any around of your life in which you’re not feeling free? Usually the Holy Spirit will start nudging us, and it is up to us whether we want to pay attention. That was the case for me anyway.
My First (Terrifying) Step Towards Freedom: Confession Time
So here I was, on our last night of an incredible Birthday trip, and I was finally able, with God’s help and strength, to work up the courage to confess my struggle to my friends. It may not have seemed like a big deal, but to me it felt like one because I had kept it to myself for so long.
“Gals, I have a confession to make.” My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. My palms were sweaty. The thought of admitting my secret struggle to these two dear long-time friends felt terrifying, but I knew that the Holy Spirit was with me and had nudged me to do it.
They looked at me with wide eyes, but compassion was oozing out from their hearts. “What is it?” One of them said, casually and gently.
“Well…I…uh…I…um…” I fumbled to find the words. I wanted to run for the hills and never come back. But then finally I was able to eek out this confession:
“I think I need to look at my relationship with alcohol. It is taking up more space in my life than I’d like to admit. I think it is getting in the way of my relationship with God keeping me from living freely and fully in Him. I don’t feel free around it, and I don’t know what to do.”
I buried myself into my pillow, unable to face what I imagined would be their stares of disbelief…disappointment…disapproval…and every other ‘dis’ word in the dictionary.
But instead, they looked at me with the kindest eyes, almost with smiles on their faces, “Is that… it? That is what your grand confession of a lifetime was?”
“YES!” I let out a big sigh. Though I continued to hide, still wanting to disappear into the cloud of shame and embarrassment I had been living under for some time now.
The Healing Power of Confession
But somehow I also felt lighter. It was as if I released a burden that had been weighing me down for way too long. I was experiencing the reality of what James writes:
“Therefore confess your sins to each other…so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a)
Confessing this area of struggle felt so scary, but it was also what I needed to begin the process towards healing and hope that change was possible. Confessing is simply bringing everything into the light, and where there is light no darkness can dwell (1 John 1:5). Sin and darkness, in whatever form they show up, begin to lose their powerful grip over us (see Romans 5:13, 1 John 1:5-7) when exposed to the Light.
Little did I know, that ‘grand confession’ on my 40th Birthday trip would be my first (baby) step towards finding freedom once again. Already, I felt hope that change was possible.
Asking for Help
One thing that came from my grand confession was learning that my friend’s cousin Christy happened to be a ‘Sober Coach’ (and a Christian) whose mission was to help people (especially believers) explore their relationship with alcohol and eventually find freedom from it. I didn’t even know these kinds of coaches providing this kind of help existed.
So I decided to look up Christy (whom I had met once before many years prior) on Instagram hoping to just observe her work while remaining ‘incognito.’ But apparently God had other plans. As soon as I started following her she sent me a private message: “Hey Ali, nice to see you here!”
Busted. I could no longer hide.
We set up a conversation soon thereafter and it was then that I had to take the step of admitting I needed help. It was humbling and I felt awkward and uncomfortable, still very much cloaked in my embarrassment and shame. But connecting with her and her wonderful ministry was a timely blessing that I knew I could thank God for.
Soon thereafter, we set up a series of coaching sessions, which provided a safe space for me to explore my complicated and longstanding relationship with alcohol with honesty and make a plan to move through my struggle.
Asking for help was not always an easy thing for me. But as James 4:6 states,
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
Asking for help is the ultimate act of humility, admitting we cannot do it on our own. It is the heart posture that positions us to receive from our divine Helper, the Holy Spirit.
There was no shame in asking for help. In fact, there was great sense of relief. No longer was I fighting this battle alone.
My 40-Day Fast From Alcohol
One of the first things Christy, the Sober Coach I worked with, suggested I do was a 40-Day Alcohol Fast, which included informational reading about what alcohol does to the body and brain, questions for reflection, and Scripture readings to ponder and pray through.
On January 8, 2024 I declared the start to my 40-day fast. The only soul I told about it was my dear husband, who was praying for and supporting me through it. Each evening after the kids went to bed, I went to a quiet corner of the house and read the chapter for that day, answered the questions in my journal and talked to God in prayer. Committing to this 40-day period helped to:
Detoxify my body from alcohol and reset my cravings
Learn the science behind alcohol and what it was doing to my body and brain
Explore my history and relationship with alcohol - what it meant to me and what I was believing it would do for me
Evaluate whether alcohol was delivering on what I was hoping it would do - provide relaxation, fun, stress relief, etc.
Explore the spiritual side of alcohol and whether it was getting in the way of my relationship with God and the plans He had for my life
The beginning of the fast was challenging, as any fast usually is. But at about the 20-day mark, I began to feel a shift:
I felt lighter and healthier
I had more energy
I felt more clear in my conscience and thinking
I felt more connected to God
My skin even looked better
At the end of the fast, probably the most notable thing I noticed was that the light came back into my eyes. I was encouraged to take a photo at the beginning of the fast and compare it to the end, and oh my. There was a noticeable and rather shocking difference. The light I didn’t even know I had lost, returned. It brought tears to my eyes and such gratitude to my heart.
Will I Go Back to Egypt?
It is fascinating that after God freed his people from the harrowing grips of hundreds of years of slavery and bondage in Egypt, they still eventually begged to go back. They tasted the blessing of freedom and yet, when the going got tough, they wanted to go back to the very slavery from which they were set free.
But that is not my story. I don’t want to go back to Egypt. Not now anyway.
Which is why I am here a year later and I have not gone back to alcohol as a regular habit. I can if I want to. But I have chosen not to for the time being. Freedom feels and tastes too good. It doesn’t mean this choice is always easy or without difficulty, but it is good for my mind, body and soul. That I know and experience every day.
I believe that this road to finding freedom has also led me to re-discover my creativity. That was my prayer when I began my 40-Day fast: “Lord, as I give over alcohol, would you please give me the gift of creative juices flowing once again?” The year I let go of alcohol is the year I began my Substack and re-started my writing again after a long and dry period of dormancy.
The Christian life of walking as a disciple of Jesus at times calls us to give up one thing, but it often is in exchange for another better thing.
What might be waiting around the corner for you as you begin your own journey towards freedom? It may be alcohol, or something else entirely that you feel too attached or tethered to. What might God be asking you to lay down in order to pick something else up this season?
Removing the Stigma from the Struggle
Sometimes in the Church or in our own Christian circles, we have a hard time being honest with one another about the struggles we are facing, mostly out of fear of judgment. Nothing is more sad and detrimental to our spiritual growth journey than a community culture that is not open or welcome to real struggles with real things in this real and fallen world. After all, Jesus himself said (in a moment of confronting the pharisaic community of self-righteousness),
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
We are all sinners in need of saving. So can we stop pretending? I am writing this to myself as much as to anyone else. I have always longed for authentic Christian community and have been blessed in experiencing tastes of it. But it requires a commitment and willingness to be honest and vulnerable, both of which take time and trust in community.
I also think it requires that we normalize the fact that as we commit to giving of our full selves to God, allowing Him to convict, guide and change us along the way, there will be times we need to re-order and re-set our desires, cravings, habits and very lives. That is discipleship. It is sanctification 101. As the Body of Christ, we are called to encourage and pray for one another, as we all journey towards wholeness and holiness in Christ. My hope and prayer is that we can go from strength to strength in that in our communities, wherever we are in the world.
Thank you for hearing a bit of my journey. I hope it may encourage and spur you on in yours in some small way. Freedom awaits. Take a step today to go after it. I am here if you ever want to have a chat and I am cheering you on. Always.
For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
Here is a Summary of the Steps to Freedom That Worked for Me:
Being attentive to the Holy Spirit nudges and stirring conscience leading me to look at an area in which I was no longer living in the freedom Jesus promised and purchased on the cross
Confessing my struggle to another and bringing it into the light
Admitting I needed help and asking for it
Creating a plan of action involving fasting and praying, reading, reflecting and journaling
Placing my struggle in the broader context of a lifelong journey of discipleship - grace, patience, persistence and perseverance required!
Fun Family Photos of the Week
Book of the Week
Rhythm of the Week
Ministry Happenings
Quote of the Week
“Idolatry is anything more important to you that God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give.” - Tim Keller
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I thank you for your honesty about how God has helped you gain freedom again, Ali. What hope you give to those of us who fight these battles and feel so torn between our desire for God and the desires of our addictions.
Ali, I've always appreciated your heart, which authentically journeys with Christ. This post is honest and weighty. I look forward to more nuggets of wisdom from you as you integrate personal experience, revelation, and wisdom of those who walked before you.