The Garden of Marriage (Part III)
The HEART as the {often over-looked} biblical focal point for marital growth and transformation
Greetings Glory Carriers!
Whenever we talk about improving our marriages, we often think about it in terms of reforming the behaviors that are stifling it in the first place:
“If only he wouldn’t work so much and spend more time with me.”
“If only she would pay attention to my physical needs then I would be more loving towards her.”
“If only he would help out around the house and with the kids, I wouldn’t feel so neglected all the time.”
“If only she wouldn’t obsess about all the material things her friends have and be grateful for what we do have, then we could finally find happiness as a couple.”
“If only he would keep a steady job and provide for his family, then I wouldn’t be so stressed all the time.”
“If only she would stop nagging me then maybe I could feel love for her again.’
These are all valid concerns and ones that pop up every day amidst the stresses and demands of everyday life in this fallen world. But notice where they are focused: on the externals.
But when we go to Scripture, the focus is not on externals… but on the internals. One of my favorite and most convicting verses of the entire Bible over the years has been the verse nuzzled between the pages of the Old Testament, when God says,
“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:6-7
The context for this striking passage was during a time when the prophet Samuel was tasked with choosing the next king from the sons of Jesse. As he goes through the long line of them, he gets caught up in the external appearance and stature of each son, rather than the internal condition of their heart, which the Lord calls him out on.
After he goes through the entire line of sons, who in appearance seemed like they should have been the perfect pick for king, Samuel is finally led to the unassuming little shepherd boy, David, who was anointed as Israel’s next king. He may not have looked like a king, but hidden within him was the heart of one.
What does this have to do with marriage?
When it comes to our relationships, we are not in the business of anointing kings, but there is a broader application here that is worth considering. God is putting His finger on a powerful and timeless principle that if we catch, can lead to transformation in our relationships, including our marriages. The principle is this: the condition of the heart is what matters most in God’s economy and therefore should be the focal point for growth and transformation in all of life.
Misconceptions About the Heart
Some of us see this word ‘heart’ and we immediately tune out or assume, based on cultural connotations, what we are talking about. For example, we think…
The heart is the source of only the emotions. Emotions get out of control so we learn to suppress our hearts and live out of our minds. Our minds think, our hearts feel.
The heart is morally corrupt. We recall the Scripture, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) and believe this means we throw out anything having to do with the heart lest we are led astray. For the unredeemed heart, this can be true. But when the heart is redeemed by Jesus, it becomes the entrance point for God’s life and activity.
The heart is inferior to the mind. In our age of rationalistic thinking, particularly in western society, the mind has indeed been elevated to a position of prime importance on the journey of Christian formation (see Romans 12:2). The ancient Hebrews and Greeks believed that the heart and mind were one faculty, not two. The heart originates both feelings and thoughts; the mind expresses them both.
These reasons are not wrong, but they are far from the full picture of what we see in Scripture about the heart. So what does the Bible say about the heart?
This word “heart” (Hebrew leb, Greek kardia) occurs over 1000 times in Scripture! As a point of comparison…
Heart - shows up roughly 1000 times in the Bible
Vs.
Spirit - 583 times
Mind - 170 times
Soul - 97 times
This tells us this is something to pay attention to! We must understand what the heart truly is.
The Centrality and Significance of the Heart in the Spiritual Life
In the Bible and in the ancient world, the heart was seen as the seat and source of:
Emotions - both positive and negative
Will
Moral conduct
Spiritual life
Thoughts
Hebrews 4:12, “The Word of God… judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”
Luke 5:22, “Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?”
Acts 8:22, “Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in hope that He may forgive you for having such a thought in your heart.”
According to Jesus, not just our thoughts but all evil behavior originates from the key focal point of the heart:
“For from within the hearts of men come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, debauchery, envy, slander, arrogance, and foolishness. All these evils come from within, and these are what defile a man.” (Matthew 7:21-23, see also Matthew 15:19)
Therefore, when our hearts are untouched by the redeeming blood of Jesus, they can look like this:
Even when our hearts have been redeemed and sprinkled by the blood of Jesus (see Hebrews 10:22), and we’ve been given a new heart as Scripture promises (see Ezekiel 36:26), we can still have ‘weeds’ that pop up in the garden of our hearts as part of living in this fallen world. And these are the ongoing heart issues that affect our relationships the most:
The cool part about God’s Salvific plan is that even though the heart is the place of depravity and thus the root of the problem, it is also the very place where God does His transforming work in an individual. Take a look:
The Law is written in our hearts (Romans 2:15)
The Word is sown into hearts (Matthew 13:19)
God gives a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26)
Belief happens in the heart (Romans 10:9)
The heart is the very dwelling place of God (2 Corinthians 1:22, Ephesians 3:17, Romans 5:5)!
Wow. The biblical case is undeniably strong that the heart plays a central and significant role in our spiritual lives. Somehow, we often miss this key focal point for change, but it is something all believers need to pay attention to along the journey of discipleship. As Dallas Willard says,
“The life we live out in our moments, hours, days, and years wells up from a hidden depth. What is in our ‘heart’ matters more than anything else for who we become and what becomes of us.” (Renovation of the Heart: Putting on the Character of Christ)
In the context of our marriage conversation, this also helps us to understand that we can only improve the state of our marriages by focusing - not the externals of our behaviors - but the internal condition of our hearts. Our focus shifts from:
EXTERNALS (changing behaviors) --> INTERNALS (God’s movement in our hearts)
That is why the writer of Proverbs says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (4:23). When it comes to our marriages, the issues, both good and bad, positive and negative, pure and evil, arise unequivocally from our hearts!
Cultivating the Soil of Our Hearts
In order to experience the kind of marriage that God designed (which you can read about in last week’s article here), we need to begin by addressing the inner condition of our hearts by cultivating the ‘soil’ there. Cultivation simply means:
“To prepare the soil for growth.”
Each partner in marriage is responsible for tending to the soil within their own heart. When we are living a lifestyle of cultivating the inner soil of our hearts, this is a picture of what the redeemed heart, with the kind of healthy soil needed for growth, can look like:
When each person in the marriage tends to the soil of their own hearts, both hearts come together to make one common heart – and that is where the real beauty and blooming can happen.
Please note, this can also be applied to marriages where there is only one believing or one willing person. One is better than none! And it can also be applied to any relationship in our lives. God can do His amazing transforming work with any willing heart.
Marriage is a Call to Gardening 101
What does this cultivation process look like? As I said in a previous article, I have not been blessed with gardening genes. But one thing I do know about gardening (thank you Google) is that soil cultivation requires the following actions:
Breaking up hard ground - this involves the messy process of allowing God, through His Spirit, to reveal and break up the ‘hardened’ soil of our hearts, where sin, habits, attitudes, biases, mindsets and beliefs have taken root.
Removing rocks and sticks that keep soil from being healthy - this involves repentance, or actively turning away from - and allowing the power of the Spirit to help remove - known sinful habits, behaviors and attitudes in our lives that prevent us from bearing fruit in His Kingdom. Often this is a process that takes time and addressing certain issues from multiple angles.
Adding in organic nutrient rich soil to enhance the health of the soil - this involves adding new beliefs, thought patterns, habits and disciplines into our lives that will keep us grounded in the Truth and walking in the Spirit in our day to day lives.
Adding layers of mulch to protect the soil from sprouting weeds - this involves being equipped in spiritual warfare that will guard and protect what is ours in Christ.
In the following weeks we will explore how we can approach our marriage relationships as a gardener would, seeking to carefully cultivate and nourish the soil of the hearts God has placed within us so we can experience the kind of fruit-bearing growth that He intended for us in Christ, which will have a direct impact on our marriages.
So friends, let us put on our gardening gloves and get our tools ready. It won’t be easy. Change and growth never is. But it is so worth it. Especially when we know who our Master Gardener is. As Jesus himself says,
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful…Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” (John 15)
In the coming weeks, we will address specific and practical ways we can cultivate the soil of our hearts. But you can begin transforming your marriage today - not by buying more self-help books or nagging your partner about what they need to change - but by opening the garden of your own heart to God, our Master Gardener. He who calls you is faithful and He will surely do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
From My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
Questions for Reflection:
What are some ways you have tried to improve your marriage in the past? What has been helpful? What has not?
What do you think of when you see the word ‘heart’? What were you taught about the heart growing up or in the church?
Looking at the biblical case for the significance of the heart, are you convinced it should be the focal point for growth and transformation? Why or why not?
If you take a look inside to your own heart now, what are some ‘weeds’ that have popped up?
What are some hopes you have for your own heart and marriage as you begin this gardening journey? Pray about those this week and ask God, your Master Gardener, to help you do the cultivating work necessary for growth and change.
Fun Family Photo of the Week
Books of the Week
Quote of the Week
“Accordingly, the greatest need you and I have—the greatest need of collective humanity—is renovation of our hearts. That spiritual place within us from which outlook, choices, and actions come has been formed by a world away from God. Now it must be transformed.” –Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart: Putting on the Character of Christ
Ali, thank you for sharing this. What really stood out to me is that too often, I want to look at how my husband "should change/grow/etc" ... when really, I need to see how God wants to work on ME. ;)