The Garden of Marriage (Part X)
Seven practical ways to cultivate a stronger expression of oneness in your marriage
Greetings Glory Carriers!
This is the final post of The Garden of Marriage series! Phew, we made it. Maybe you caught some of the posts or maybe you were along for the whole ride, but this series represents some of the messages God has placed in my own heart over the years, and now that they are out, it seems I can move onto some other topics. So stay tuned for that.:)
I will continue posting on marriage periodically in Homes of Glory, as it continues to remain one of my deep convictions that “Strong marriages, make strong families, make strong societies.” We all need refreshment, inspiration, and yes, even help (!), in keeping our marriages fresh, healthy and strong. It is not an easy road, but one that can be extremely fulfilling as we continue the steady and diligent work of a gardener, doing our part to cultivate the kind of relationship God designed; one that is is ‘rooted and built up in Him’ (Col 2:7).
This final week, we are looking at the practical aspects of our third Heart Attitude for marriage, which as a review, are:
Heart Attitude #1: HUMILITY (we covered in the two posts, Part V and Part VI)
Heart Attitude #2: VULNERABILITY (we covered this in Part VII and Part VIII)
Heart Attitude #3: ONENESS (we covered this in Part VIIII and today’s post)
You can refer to this home page if you need to catch up on any of the past articles in the series.
Oneness as a Witness
We talked about last week how God embedded within His creation the physical act and expression of marriage between husband and wife to point to the profound spiritual truth of God’s desire and ultimate plan for intimate oneness with His people. That is what your marriage, my marriage, all marriages - whether we are aware of it or not - are meant to symbolize.
Therefore, it is not enough to be one positionally, while the outward expression and practical outworking of oneness in our marriage tells a different story. This is a call to do our part to cultivate habits that foster oneness - which is essentially togetherness - in all of life. To help see some categories to cultivate, consider the four ‘S’s’:
Social life
Spiritual life
Scheduled life (priorities)
Sexual life
What are some of the ways we can do this? This week, I will share seven practical ways to cultivate a stronger expression of oneness in your marriage. The symbolic meaning and power that it holds, it too important not to.
7 Practical Ways to Cultivate Oneness in Your Marriage
Play together.
Pick an activity or sport you look forward to learning and/or doing together. For us, this has been tennis. We began learning the sport together when we were dating and have continued playing once per week (on average). We enjoy breaking a sweat and getting into a playful competitive spirit.
What is an activity or hobby you enjoy together? If you don’t have one, what can you begin?
Pray together.
There is a saying that goes, “Couples who pray together, stay together.” It is true that prayer can form a type of spiritual glue that helps us feel bonded together in a deeper way. When we get to approach God’s throne of grace together, we get to hear one another express our hearts, concerns and requests, which can have a softening effect toward one another.
Early in our marriage, we struggled to find a rhythm of praying together that worked with our natural body clocks. I was too sleepy in the early morning and Noah was too sleepy at night! We’ve tried different ways of praying together over the years, one of which is praying the Lord’s Prayer (a good place to begin if praying aloud is new for you). More recently, we enjoy taking a few minutes after the kids are in bed to connect and pray.
No matter when or where we are able to pray, one thing is true: we feel a greater sense of unity and oneness when we do pray. And I hope the same will be true for you!
Plan intimate times of coming together.
This is a sensitive topic, but one that is very important for cultivating oneness, and acts as a guard of protection for the marriage. There are seasons where health and other challenges prevent a couple from coming together sexually. Grace abounds for these times. When it is possible, however, cultivating oneness through the act of sex is the outward sign of the spiritual reality of ‘two becoming one.’ It is powerful and we believe is the covenant ‘renewal’ our marriage regularly needs.
As the years go on, busyness, tiredness and fluctuating desire can have an impact on this area and prevent couples from prioritizing physical intimacy. One thing that has helped us, which may sound un-romantic, is putting our times of intimacy in our calendar. Knowing that we have carved out a time for it helps us both prepare in ways we need to and look forward to it. It doesn’t mean there is no room for spontaneity, but at the bare minimum, ensures we will make it happen. Don’t knock it until you try it!
If this area is a struggle in your marriage right now (which is more common than you think), you can try: bringing it to the Lord in prayer; confiding to a trusted friend; reading a book that will help you with understanding and communicating with your spouse around the issues your dealing with; contact a Christian sex therapist or coach who may be able to offer some counsel, compassion and guidance. Whatever you do, don’t give up!
Watch TV series/movies together.
In today’s viewing world, where each member of the family can literally be watching their own device at the same time, under the same roof, it is easy to go our separate ways in favor of our own preferences. Personally, we’ve tried to keep TV in our home as a social enterprise, ever keeping viewing ‘together’ as a goal and priority for us all. Why?
At the heart of it for me, is that watching a lengthy series engrosses us in different characters, plot lines, and quite literally, worlds. Instead of togetherness, this brings a level of separateness that inevitably will be there. Not everyone will agree or feel the same way that we do, and that is ok. So what does it look like to view together?
Friday night in our home is movie night for everyone. The kids have to agree on a choice of movie to view on the TV - together. And we also, as the parents, choose a movie or TV series that we both agree upon to watch - together. Sometimes it takes a while, and we do have different preferences (yes, I like my BBC period dramas!), but it has been a good practice that we have stuck to over the years. And it has certainly helped to cultivate oneness for us and the whole family.
What are your viewing habits as a couple? Are you more separate or together in it? Is there anything you’d like to change to try to do differently?
Commit to Smart phone boundaries together.
I hear from couples all the time how they feel there is a ‘third person’ in their marriage: their spouse’s phone! It’s the world we live in. And the battle we must continue to fight. Every couple has to decide what kind of boundaries are needed to guard and protect the time at home or with the family.
A few guidelines we’ve negotiated over the years have been:
Drop the phone in a ‘parking lot’ when stepping through the front door of the house (for me, this is a high shelf out of sight), to be checked only when necessary.
Removing all notifications from all apps.
Limit number of communication apps on the phone (my husband has moved most of his to his computer so he only checks at certain times a day when he is at his desk!).
No phones - ever - at meal times.
Limited phone use in the bed. I admit, I often play catch up on messages after my kids are in bed, and I like connecting with family in the US since we live so far away, but the general rule and practice we keep is to end the evening with a book, not the phone.
What guidelines do you keep (or need to create) as a couple or family to help cultivate and guard your oneness?
Join Google calendars together.
This is a simple practice, but one that has blessed our oneness immensely over the years. We both see each other’s entire weekly schedule on Google Calendar, and as a rule, we consult each other before making any plans outside of work. We both appreciate this practice and feel more together in how we are spending our time in our shared life.
What are your practices and habits around scheduling? Is there any room for syncing up or communicating a bit more to foster that sense of oneness and togetherness in the activities, rhythms and seasons of life?
Join Kindle/E-reader accounts together.
This is another sync job that has done wonders for our oneness. We share a Kindle library, which helps us not only share books, but to share the different things we are reading with each other. This also allows for transparency, nothing hidden!
Is there a way you share your reading life with each other? How can you cultivate greater oneness here?
These are just seven practical things you can begin thinking about or implementing now, to cultivate oneness in your marriage. Not all things may work for every couple, but maybe there is one or two things you can work on. Or maybe it will spark new ideas. Going from two to one is surely a mysterious process, but taking practical steps like these will make a difference in your sense of unity and togetherness.
What will you try? See it as an experiment and adapt as you go!
A Recap Before the Series Ends
To recap, we’ve explored in the second half of this 10-part series what it means to cultivate three key attitudes of our hearts that will enrich the soil of our marriage garden:
Humility - breaking up the hard soil
Vulnerability - adding the healthy soil back in to nourish the soil
Oneness - adding layers of mulch to protect the viability of the soil and keep the weeds from choking out the good and glorious flowers that want to grow there.
If cultivating the soil of our wayward hearts seems impossible or overwhelming (which it does at times to me!), remember this: We are not alone. We have been given the amazing Holy Spirit, an Advocate, who…
Takes up residence and helps us by pouring out His love for our spouse (see Romans 5:5), even when we feel we are falling short.
Promises to lead us into His Truth (See John 16:13).
Is the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead (see Romans 8:11) and has the power to resurrect any dead marriage.
He is faithful and He will do it, as you work with Him by doing your part. As we take up the work of a gardener, cultivating the soil of our hearts one day at a time, it will impact our families, nation and society for God’s glory. May our marriages, however imperfect, be the bedrock of our Homes of Glory - bearing His life and light in this dark world.
So what is stopping you? Keep gardening. Keep going. Keep growing. Harvest will surely come. I am rooting for you always!
For His Glory From My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
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