The Garden of Marriage (Part VII)
Cultivating the vital heart attitude of VULNERABILITY for marital growth and enrichment
Greetings Glory Carriers!
We’ve come through Holy Week and Easter (He is risen!) and now we return to the Garden of Marriage Series to finish off the three Heart Attitudes that when cultivated over the long haul, have the potential to enrich and bless the soil of a marriage relationship. Remember the crucial truth that Jesus taught, that what is in our hearts, will come out in our words, actions and attitudes towards our spouse and others (see Part III). Therefore, we will continue on in our exploration and cultivation of the following three vital Heart Attitudes for marriage:
Heart Attitude #1: HUMILITY (we covered in the two posts, Part V and Part VI)
Heart Attitude #2: VULNERABILITY (this post)
Heart Attitude #3: ONENESS (in two weeks)
Paul as a Model of Vulnerability
When I think of biblical examples of vulnerability, I think of the Apostle Paul who, even in his incredible giftedness and fortitude in living out the calling God gave him, said this striking statement:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)
What did Paul mean by weakness? He is referring to a literal physical ailment here - that mysterious ‘thorn’ in his side (verse 7). But the word that was translated ‘weakness’ is by definition a little more more expansive in the Greek: lack of strength, illness, suffering, calamity, frailty
Paul is saying, when we can acknowledge these ‘weak’ areas of our lives, it allows for the power of God to come in and give the strength needed to keep going. It not only testifies and gives glory to God, but it allows for those Paul is interacting with to see him in a more ‘human’ light.
Offering up some vulnerability in any relationship often breaks down walls of pride and defensiveness and has the effect of drawing people closer together. When someone is vulnerable, it makes us see them with eyes of compassion, rather than judgment.
This also points to the counter-intuitive power structure of God’s Kingdom:
When we get low, he lifts up
When we are last, then we are first
When we poor, then we are rich
When we are weak, then we are strong
What does this have to do with marriage?
Vulnerability in the Context of Marriage
In the context of marriage, learning to be vulnerable can have this similar effect on a relationship. It can feel scary when we offer the unseen and hidden parts of ourselves, but it can draw us close together.
Brene Brown, an American professor, author and podcast host known for her work on shame, vulnerability and leadership, defines it as,
uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure...we allow ourselves to be seen when we are vulnerable.
You can begin to see why this heart attitude is so important in the context of marriage. Our hearts and all that is in them are largely ‘hidden’ entities. When we enter marriage, we can choose to keep the contents of our hearts hidden from one another, or we can choose to take risks by exposing ourselves emotionally and allowing ourselves to be seen, which is what God intended in this unique relationship - to be willing to share ourselves totally and completely.
It is as if we are shining a flashlight into the deepest crevasses of our hearts, and allowing our partner to see what is there. It can feel risky. Scary, even. But when we venture out, we can reveal the hidden things like…
Dreams - what we hope for or aspire to in life
Desires - what we long for deep in our souls, emotionally, spiritually and relationally
Doubts - when we wonder about who we are, our value, worth and choices we’ve made in life
Disappointments - when we admit our feelings of being let down by God or others when we things turn out different than we expected
Doom and gloom thoughts and moods - when you feel worried, anxious or fearful about various things in life
It can knit us together in a sweet and tender way that says: “I see you, all of you, and I still love you.” That’s intimacy. And if there is anything I have learned in 12 years of marriage, it is that intimacy is not automatic. It requires willingness and effort by both parties to live a life that is enmeshed as one, not two living independent lives.
How are you doing in your vulnerability? Are you giving your partner regular glimpses inside your heart? What is preventing you from doing so?
Reasons We Struggle with Vulnerability
That last question pokes at something many of us face: an unwillingness or inability to be vulnerable with our spouse and others. And as Dr. Sue Johnson states in her insightful book, Hold Me Tight, this can be detrimental to a marriage:
Attachment Theory teaches us that our loved one is our shelter in life. When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless.
But before we start pointing fingers or giving up all together, let us seek to understand why vulnerability and emotional availability might be more difficult for some. Here are four possible and common reasons, all of which my husband and I have experienced in one way or another:
Fear of Rejection.
We can avoid vulnerability out of fear of rejection. We are afraid that when we share our inner thoughts and feelings, our spouse may not reciprocate with understanding and love. Perhaps we’ve tried to be open in the past but were belittled, shut down or invalidated. So we shut down and vow never to let them in again.
If this has happened to you in your current or past relationships, I am sorry you’ve had that experience. It is harmful, hurtful and damaging to any relationship. It shows us the importance of seeking to create, as much as we are able, a safe place for deeper sharing in marriage. This means you are committed to listening to each other and receiving with love and compassion what each other shares - whether it is a little or a lot (for more on how to become a better listener, see this post: The Healing Power of Listening).
God’s people practiced this ‘open heart’ approach for centuries. Biblically speaking, vulnerability is connected to the level of trust they had with God. The Psalmist writes,
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Ps 62:8)
Trust —> pouring out your heart —> refuge/safe space
When there is a level of trust in our relationship with God, the natural response will be pouring out our hearts before Him. Similarly, when there is a level of trust in marriage - an assurance that the person won’t react, reject or reprimand us for what we share - we can develop this muscle of reaching deeper into our hearts to share what is there. There is much more to say on this topic of creating safe spaces and being a safe space yourself, but for the purposes of this article, I shall leave it there for now.
Different Processing Styles.
Sometimes the way we are ‘wired’ in processing information can impact how much we willingly share with our spouse. This is often referred to as internal vs external processing. This simple means that some prefer to process information (from their day, and what they are experiencing in life, etc.) internally, while others prefer to process information externally. The latter group of people make meaning and connections as they verbally share, which is often a ‘need’ that that have.
In my marriage, I am more of the external processor, desiring to share every detail about my day to my spouse, while he is more of an internal processor, without as much of a ‘need’ to share ‘every detail’ - much at times, to my chagrin! We have had to work on finding a middle ground, so that we can both practice open sharing while respecting and being mindful of the natural inclination of the other.
Are you an internal or external processor? How about your spouse? How might this influence your ability to sharing vulnerably with one another?
Different Personality Types.
Another aspect of our personalities that can influence our ability to sharing openly in marriage has to do with introversion and extroversion. There is a large body of research out there now, which gives evidence to the fact that most of us are inclined toward one or the other. The key thing to understand is this:
Introverts recharge alone
Extroverts recharge around people
Knowing which ‘type’ your partner is generally can be helpful to know. This does not mean either one is a ‘license’ to remain stuck in what you are - silent in the marriage (if you are an introvert) or to be out socializing non-stop to the neglect of the marriage (if you are an extrovert). It simply means we can respect that energy levels may differ and vary based on environment and time of day for each personality time. It also may take more energy for an introvert to put into words what they are experiencing and how they are feeling, so they made need more time to do that.
In my own marriage we have had to work on accommodating the natural rhythms and energy levels for us both - which are different. For example, since my husband leans towards being an internal processor and functional extrovert (with introvert recharging needs), and his role as a pastor means he is often pouring out his best extroverted day-time energy around people, it is not realistic for me to think he is going to want to come home at the end of a long day and share deeply and endlessly from his heart late into the night! Hehe. Early in our marriage, I think I did expect this.;)
However, over the years, he has also learned of the value of connecting with his spouse and believes some share time daily is important. So we have come up with a simple practice that ensures we do that within a limited time frame, something we learned from a marriage course years ago, called:
15-Minute “Couch Time” - After we have dinner and put the kids to bed we try and come together and have at least 15 minutes of sharing time from our day. We try and go beyond, “My day was good” to being as vulnerable as we can. Things like,
“In a meeting today, I had a moment when I felt so inadequate and was questioning my value to the organization.”
“I was horrible with the kids this morning and felt guilty about it all day.”
“I haven’t been feeling motivated in my work and lately have been questioning whether I am even in the right field.”
“I woke up feeling so negative and wondered if it may be a spiritual attack.”
These are themes and topics closely related to ones my husband and I have shared during our Couch Time. A little vulnerability can go a long way in feeling connected and supported in marriage, instead of isolated and alone amidst the pressures and demands of life. You can even set the time for 15 minutes!
Finally, what may prevent us from opening up with our spouse is simply this:
Learned Patterns from Our Family of Origin.
Whether we want to admit it or not, much of how we act in and approach marriage is influenced by what we saw and experienced growing up - for better or for worse! If we came from a family that was more reserved and quiet, rarely sharing their thoughts or inner worlds with other family members, it is likely not going to feel natural or comfortable to us to share deeply with our spouse.
My husband and I came from very different families in this regard: his family was very quiet and reserved, while my family was very loud and open in sharing every thought! Basically, opposite extremes and neither one an ideal model. You can imagine how much we have had to find a middle ground (there’s that word again) - me pulling back a bit and him pulling himself out a bit. It has taken time and effort to get there, but because we both desire a marriage that is close and connected and opening our inner worlds with each other is a big part of that, this is something for which we have contended.
It is important to remember that just because one or both of you may have a dysfunctional pattern of relating in your family of origin (silence, secrecy, avoidance, manipulation, etc.), it doesn’t mean you are doomed forever. With God, nothing is impossible to overcome. The two becoming one process entails acknowledging where and what you came from - good and bad - and trusting God that through your unique union, He wants to create the new thing, which may even entail breaking old and destructive family patterns.
What are the patterns of relating and communication in your family of origin?
What do you want to carry forth in your marriage and what do you desire to change?
Attitudes of the Heart Are Cultivated
I am convinced that none of this comes automatically or easily. But with even the smallest bouts of dedication and work, vulnerability can be an attitude of the heart that is cultivated through habitual practices and exercise (I will be posting some of these next week).
The point is that when we are cultivating the heart attitude of vulnerability in the soil of our hearts, it is adding a layer of richness and health that paves the way for lovely organic growth in our marriages. One year at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. You can do it, I can do it, we can do it together!
God is with you and your marriage, and the Holy Spirit is there to guide you and your partner into all Truth. That is a promise.
For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
Photos of the Week
Book of the Week
Quote of the Week
“A secure connection between romantic partners is key in positive loving relationships and a huge source of strength for the individuals in those relationships.”
- Dr. Sue Johnson, in Hold Me Tight, commenting on the validity of John Bowlby’s research on secure attachment in adult relationships