The Garden of Marriage
How good marriages don't just happen on their own
Greetings Glory Carriers!
How are you doing on this second week of February? It has been a very full couple of weeks for my family and me - between hosting my dad and step-mom visiting from the USA for three weeks, speaking at our Women’s Fellowship kick-off event and three of my four kids getting hit with the stomach flu. By God’s grace, we have made it through and are returning back to some semblance of normalcy this week.
In light of it being Valentines Day on Friday (regardless of whether you celebrate or not!), I have decided to do a multi-part series entitled The Garden of Marriage, based on a seminar I did for a marriage conference at my church a couple of years ago. I hope it will bless and inspire those who are married. And for those who are not yet or no longer married, I pray these practical principles and tools can be applied to many kinds of relationships in our lives.
Okay, here we go!
If Marriage is the Bedrock of a Strong Society
It’s been said before that,
“Strong societies are built from strong families and strong families are built from strong marriages.”
If this is true, that strong marriages really are the bedrock of strong families, homes and societies, it stands to reason that we should do everything in our power to invest in and strengthen them - right?
Then why don’t we?
It’s Too Hard
I don’t think it is any secret that marriage is, well…hard. Think about it for a moment: two imperfect people joining up their lives to become… ONE? Two very different people coming together to somehow become… ONE? Two potential divergent life paths somehow converging to become… ONE?
Was this really God’s brilliant plan? Or was it plain cruel?
When we really think about it, marriage could be called the plan of ‘Opposites Attract.’ That certainly describes my husband and me:
He’s from the American South, I am from the North (basically different planets)
He is an early bird, I am a night owl
He likes details, I like big picture
He is an internal processor, I am an external one
He is a comforter, I am a stimulator
He likes a plan, I like spontaneity
He can tend to be more quiet and reserved, I am…not!
How about you? What is the unique blend of your differences between you and your spouse - the things which, yes, likely attracted you to each other in the first place?
We laugh don’t we? But when the rubber meets the road, and we bump up against these differences in the every day stresses and responsibilities of life (some which are much more severe than the ones mentioned), it can get downright difficult. As author Julie Slattery, marriage expert and Founder of Authentic Intimacy says,
“As the days, weeks, months, and years of marriage pile up, so do unresolved conflicts, frustrations, and difficult life circumstances. There’s just no getting around it. The forging of two people into one union is a mysterious and painful journey.” – Dr. Julie Slattery
I Can See How People Get Divorced
Now marriage isn’t all hard, or all bad. This we know. Many of us enjoy many days and years of ease, enjoyment, satisfaction and blessing in the ‘two becoming one’ process. But I do remember thinking early on in my marriage with Noah, in a period of working through some differences:
I can see how people can get divorced.
Gulp. It was a big slab of humble pie I didn’t expect to have to stomach so early on. What I meant is that I could suddenly understand (in facing some of the early painful and immature moments of our marriage) that when problems, misunderstandings and conflicts are left unaddressed, unattended to and unhealed, then it can become an icy and lonely road.
I had the awareness then – and still do now – that unless we are actively investing in and committed to working out the long and mysterious “two becoming one” process, it can easily become “two becoming two” while living under the same roof. Very few couples start out ever intending to get there. But sadly, and for various reasons, many do.
For Those Struggling Right Now
I write this with such sensitivity in light of all the frustrations, challenges, painful points and disappointments anyone who is reading this might be facing in their marriage right now. God sees you and I believe He has a plan to help you keep walking forward because He is a covenantal God who will fight with and for you and your marriage. I love Jehoshaphat’s simple and powerful prayer:
“Lord I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on you.” (2 Chronicles 20:12b)
If that is you my friend, hang in there. You may not want to keep reading this series if this is a season of too much pain or difficulty. Or if it is triggering in any way. Praying and seeking counsel and support from your community may be the wisest thing you can do right now.
The Worth-it-ness of Marriage
It is this awareness of the sheer sacred fragility of every marriage that was brought to light in the midst of my own imperfect marriage that has given me such a tender heart and compassion for any and all married people. Taking the courageous step of entering into a lifetime covenant together and honoring it throughout the ups and downs of life is not easy.
But I continue to stand in the conviction that it is so very worth it.
And I continue to hold out hope that just like planting a seed and cultivating the soil around it to make it grow into something beautiful, our marriages – no matter what the unique blend of strengths, weaknesses, flaws, failures and quirks – can grow into beautifully bright and thriving (as imperfect as they may be) “gardens” as God intended them to be. One day at a time. One year at a time. For a lifetime.
But how?
It Begins with (Biblical) Vision
First, we must know what God originally intended for marriage. As The ancient Proverb states:
“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.”
We need to know God’s original design for marriage so we can know where we are headed and what we are even working towards. Often, the root of conflict or dissatisfaction in marriage, I believe and have experienced, is having expectations of one another that God never meant to be there. In other words, we drink the world’s kool-aid and that of the Hollywood movies, rather than God’s beautiful and dare I say ‘countercultural’ vision for two becoming one.
A Look at the Series Ahead
So here is the game plan for The Garden of Marriage series over the next several weeks, which I hope will excite you as much as it does me:
Part II : A Look at God’s Original Design for Marriage
Part III: Cultivating the Garden of Our Hearts as the Focal Point for Marital Healing and Enrichment
Part IV: Cultivating Heart Attitude #1: Humility
Part V: Cultivating Heart Attitude #2: Vulnerability
Part VI: Cultivating Heart Attitude #3: Oneness
Part VII: A Final Word of Hope: Christ is Dwelling in Your Heart and Will Help You
Each segment will have suggestions for practical exercises and tools that will enrich the application of the topic being explored.
Get Your Gardening Boots On
Are you ready to become a dedicated and skilled gardener? I have to confess I am not much of a gardener in the literal sense. I honestly have trouble keeping any plants alive! It’s very sad (and embarrassing), but true.
But when it comes to cultivating the soil of our hearts for the sake of our marriages, homes and societies? I say sign me up! I sincerely hope you’ll enjoy the journey with me and will be strengthened in your marriage - or any relationship you may be applying these principles to - and home [of glory] life along the way.
See you next week for The Garden of Marriage Part II: Understanding God's Divine Design for Marriage. In the meantime, consider reflecting on these questions ahead of Valentines Day (whether you celebrate it or not!)…
Questions for Reflection
If I was going to give a ‘State of My Marriage’ address, what would I say? What is going well? What are you thankful for? What feels challenging in this season? What needs to change?
How have I been tending to the garden of my marriage? What are some ways I have been neglecting the garden of my marriage?
Do I believe my marriage actually can improve? That it can become more of what God designed it to be? That it can blossom and bloom into something beautiful and satisfying?
Journal your honest thoughts to God or share them with your spouse or a trusted friend. Honestly taking stock and facing where we are can be the first step towards healing and change.
God bless you and keep you as you relish and revel in His unconditional love this week. We can only love because He loved us first. Even then, we fail and falter on this earthly road. But the good news is that He loves you right where you are, just the way you are. Always and forever.
For His Glory from My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
Fun Family Photo of the Week
Ministry Highlight of the Week
Verse of the Week… on LOVE
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Of course they don’t, however, it’s helpful to have a role model to follow.