The Garden of Marriage (Part IV)
Why giving God full access to the hidden places of our hearts is vital to a healthy marriage
Greetings Glory Carriers!
We are into week four of The Garden of Marriage series and I hope there have been some nuggets that have blessed you, challenged you or encouraged you in some way. This series represents the revelations and insights God has given me (and Noah) over the course of our nearly 12 years of traveling through our [gloriously imperfect] adventure of marriage. And we are still learning!
But as we have caught God’s vision for marriage and applied these practical principles and tools, I can testify that our marriage has been deeply blessed and enriched as the years go on - and I pray it will have the same effect on your own [gloriously imperfect] adventure of marriage.
So far we have established a theological foundation in Parts 1-3 of The Garden of Marriage, which you can return to if you missed any:
An Overgrown Garden: Good Marriages Don't Just Happen on their Own
God’s Original Garden: A Theological Vision for Marriage in a Modern Age
The Garden of Our Hearts: The Biblical Focal Point for Marital Growth and Transformation
Now, we are going to be asking: what does this mean for how we live in the practicalities of our lives? This is always the main question that interests me, being trained as a practical theologian. Theology (our knowledge about God) is fruitless unless we can practice it in the every day of our lives.
Review: The Shift From Externals to Internals
Last week, we considered the strong biblical case for the shift we need to make from focusing on externals of behaviors to the internals of the condition of our hearts. This is what Scripture teaches, that the heart is the ‘control center’ for all of life. Our thoughts, attitudes and behavior are a reflection of the heart within us. Jesus speaks of it as the ‘overflow’ of what’s in the heart:
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45, also see Proverbs 4:23)
As we saw in last week’s article, this theme saturates the entire Bible from cover to cover. These passages (and more) are instructive for marriage - and all our relationships - because they teach us that focusing on the behavior of a person is not the right focal point. Rather, we must look inside to our own hearts.
If you or I were to be flipped inside out right this moment, what would we see there? What is the condition of your heart right now, especially as it pertains to the marriage and partner God has given you? An even more sobering question is this: Based on your behavior, what would your spouse say is the condition of your heart? (Yikes, these can feel like intrusive questions, I know.)
You may not know the answers to these questions, but this I do know: God loves us too much to let us remain as we are. Coming into a living and active faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ means more than a ticket to heaven. He invites us into a lifelong and intimate journey of formation and transformation - whether we are married or not!
But unless we allow Him to address the condition of our hearts, that vision coming to fruition will be a far cry. As authors James E. Wilder says,
“While you are living from your hurt, you may not be able to discover the characteristics of your heart. As God heals the hurt and is invited into every area of your life, you will be able to discover the nature of your heart…When you are living from your heart you are truly being yourself. Joy increases and fear decreases, as you go about your daily activities.” –James Wilder, Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You
If this is true, where do we begin? How does one even begin to peer inside one’s own heart and allow God to do the necessary ‘work’ there of healing and making us whole?
Giving God Full Access to Our Hearts
The first time God gave me a glimpse into my own heart was when I realized I had only understood half of the gospel. I understood what Jesus did on the cross as giving me access to God, not the other way around…
“...we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” (Romans 5:1-2)
Jesus purchased for us on the cross access to God, right? Hallelujah! But too often we stop there. We go about living our Christian lives, doing all the Christian things ‘for God’, all the while our hearts remain hidden and inaccessible to Him, let alone anyone else in our lives. And that hinders our ability to relate on a deeper level with the Lover of our soul and also with the human lover God has given us in marriage.
God’s desire is that the access would go both ways. That He too would be given complete and total access to our hearts (see Psalm 62:8). And that would lead to opening ourselves more fully to our spouse, which we will cover in a later article.
Trusting God to Reveal that which Needs His Touch
We can trust our Master Gardener to gently and accurately put his finger on what needs mending, strengthening or outright removing. This happens by His Spirit, but it also is crucial that it happens alongside His Word.
This is a lesson I learn over and over again. And it is one I am re-learning in this season too. How important it is to be steeped in God’s Word. Why? Because it is the Truth that sets us free, guiding us into the Truth about God and ourselves. The writer of Hebrews says,
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Heb 4:12)
Friends, we need the Word of God to keep us on track! Because of our sin nature and so many outside influences of the world, we are easily deceived about the condition of our own hearts.
Obvious Sins Versus Hidden Iniquities
Author Bob Sorge in his excellent book, Secrets of the Secret Place, says we need the Lord’s help going beyond the obvious sins in our lives (like lying, fornication, stealing, cursing, pornography, hatred, drunkenness, anger or not tithing) to reveal what Scripture calls iniquities, which are hidden faults we don’t even realize we have:
“We have wicked iniquities because our fallen nature has discolored the fabric of our thoughts, motives, feelings, responses, and desires. We all sin in a host of subtle ways—such as pride, rebellion, unbelief, envy, selfishness, ambition, and covetousness.”
This is not about being legalistic and digging for every single possible flaw we have because God expects that of us. No. This is about removing things that absolutely get in the way and hinder us from relating deeply and rightly and joyfully with our Creator - and others, including our spouse (see Hebrews 12:1). It is often the hidden iniquities of our hearts that are causing the ‘weeds’ to grow in the garden of our marriages, preventing the beautiful blooming and blossoming God intends from happening in our marriages.
He Reveals, We Repent
But God knows we cannot repent of something we don’t see. So He helps by showing us our iniquities - little by little - as we seek Him and grant Him full access to our hearts. And when He does reveal those things to us, there is no need to obsess on introspection. All we need to do is respond quickly when the Holy Spirit reveals the iniquities of our own heart.
Sorge calls this rapid repentance, which is “…immediate, thorough, wholehearted repentance.” He says of his own life, “If He [God] shows it to me, I’m getting rid of it. Fast.”
I love that approach. Life is too short and marriage is too important not to treat those things which prevent us from loving well in such a ruthless ‘get rid of it’ way. This is such a crucial point if we want genuine change and improvement, enrichment and blessing in our marriages. We must become good repenters. Rapid repenters! Radical repenters! It is how we keep moving forward with God - and in our most cherished relationships. There is just no getting around it. It is the ‘dirty work’ that paves the way for deeper intimacy and connection.
A Peek Inside My Own Heart
Over the years, I am thankful that I have learned the importance of giving God full access to my heart, and even though I do this imperfectly and at times inconsistently, it has allowed Him to reveal some of my more hidden iniquities that have had a detrimental effect on my marriage relationship, some of which have been:
Pride - I have had a ‘high horse’ (as my husband refers to it) tendency in thinking that I am right in a given situation, which can inadvertently discount or discredit the view or opinions of others closest to me
Selfishness - I have made demands on my partner to listen to me and respond to me based on my own needs that I haven’t even communicated to him (aka expecting him to be a mind reader!)
Rebellion - I have resisted going in the way my partner desires in lieu of doing my own thing and going my own way regardless of how it affects others
There. That is a sneak peek of just some of the iniquity that has sprouted weeds in the soil of my own heart that God has graciously helped me to uproot over the years, and sometimes repeatedly!
But I know, and have experienced first hand, that as I practice rapid repentance, eagerly and immediately turning from these subtly but hurtful iniquities as He reveals them to me in Spirit and in Truth, God meets me there with the rush of His unconditional love and the strategies and strength to turn and walk the other way. Sometimes it takes time and persistence, but with His power in play, anything is possible.
I realize over and over again how unrelentingly committed God is to my changing for Love’s sake. Our God is a covenantal God and this is precisely how He fights for our marriages! But we must be willing participants. And then we will learn to see repentance, not as morbid, “…but full of hope and promise. It’s an opportunity to turn from things that have been hindering love” (Bob Sorge).
I am a work in progress, as is my husband and as are we all. But when these principles become regular fixtures in our life with God and our marriages, we can be sure He will keep us on course.
Back to Gardening 101
Giving God access to our hearts and actively repenting of the things He reveals is the breaking up hard ground and removing rocks and sticks that keep the soil from being healthy in the garden of our marriage relationships (as I explain here). Next week, we will begin discussing the process of adding in organic nutrient rich soil to enhance the overall health of the soil so growth can happen. This involves cultivating new habits that will lead to forming Christ-like heart attitudes, which is the kind of healthy ‘soil’ needed for growth and transformation in the garden of marriage. In your garden of marriage. They are:
The Heart Attitude of… Humility.
The Heart Attitude of… Vulnerability.
The Heart Attitude of… Oneness.
Are you ready to start seeing the change you long for? Let us open our hearts to the work of our Master Gardener. I have just two questions for you to ponder this week:
Have you given God full access to your heart? If not, what is holding you back?
Have you learned to rapidly repent of the subtle iniquities of your heart He reveals to you? It is sure to open the channels for intimate communion with Jesus - and those He has placed within your fold to love. Do it now. You won’t regret it.
For His Glory From My Heart and Home to Yours,
Ali
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“When the Holy Spirit reveals the iniquity of our heart and we respond eagerly in repentance, we experience the rush of the Father’s pleasure. His countenance warms our hearts and we actually feel the nearness of His delight.” - Bob Sorge, Secrets of the Secret Place
I just love your writing! I’m going to really focus on rapid repentance and listening to the Holy Spirits prompting!